Understanding Adolescence- 7 key insights from Untangled

Education, May 15, 2025

Instead of viewing adolescence as a storm, Lisa Damour's book Untangles shows us it's a journey of growth and transformation. Read on for 7 key insights to help support our teenagers.

Adolescence is often portrayed as a storm—a whirlwind of emotions, shifting moods, and sudden independence. But what if it’s not a tempest to fear, but a journey to understand? Untangled by Lisa Damour guides us inside the world of teenage girls, breaking down the phases they experience as they transition into young women. It’s not solely about struggles; it’s about transformation—the push and pull between dependence and independence—and how parents and caregivers can support this growth without losing themselves in the process. As a father of two daughters I found this book very helpful.

Here are seven powerful insights from the book:

1. Growth Occurs in Phases, Not in a Straight Line: Adolescence isn’t a smooth, predictable path. It’s marked by stops, starts, and unexpected turns. One day, a girl may seem mature and self-reliant; the next, she may seek reassurance like a child. This isn’t regression—it’s a natural part of development. Recognising that growth happens in waves fosters patience and a more authentic perspective.
 
2. Emotional Swings Are Part of Development, Not Drama: Intense emotions during adolescence aren’t random or exaggerated; they’re the brain’s way of learning emotional regulation. Tears, frustration, and excitement all serve a purpose in building emotional intelligence. Validating these feelings helps teenage girls learn to manage and understand their emotions. Dismissing these feelings does not encourage growth.
 

3. Friendships Shape Identity: During adolescence, friendships become central to self-discovery. They offer a sense of belonging and help girls explore who they are beyond their family. Whether friendships deepen or break apart, these experiences teach vital lessons about relationships and self-awareness. As parents it's vital we encourage face to face interaction with their peers and monitor screen time.

4. The Drive for Independence Can Feel Like Rejection: Pulling away isn’t a sign of parental rejection; it’s a sign of growing up. Creating distance, pushing boundaries, or wanting more privacy doesn’t mean she cares less—it’s part of her process of becoming her own person while knowing she has a safe space to return to.

5. Anxiety Can Be a Sign, Not Just a Problem: Not all anxiety is negative. Some of it signals awareness of new challenges and helps girls identify what matters most. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety but to teach her how to manage it—distinguishing between real threats and everyday stress—and to face challenges head-on with positive action rather than rumination.

6. School Stress Is About More Than Good marks: Academic pressure isn’t just about tests and assignments; it’s intertwined with expectations, self-esteem, and fear of failure. Recognising that school is a place for learning—rather than just performing—can alleviate pressure and foster genuine growth. Failure is a natural part of every journey and should be reframed as a step towards success.

7. Parents Are the Anchor, Not the Captain: Teenagers don’t need their parents to control the journey; they need steady support. Being a source of reassurance rather than authority allows them the confidence to explore the world while knowing they have a safe harbor to return to.

Adolescence isn’t about letting go completely or holding on too tightly—it’s about finding the right balance. Untangled helps clarify that balance, reminding us that growth—messy as it may be—is always leading somewhere meaningful.

 

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